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But we can never understand it. There is never a day, Kerry says, that Ben isn't in her thoughts. If she believed he Funds dead it might be easier. There would be a needhaj for that grief, a conclusion. But her family is convinced that Ben was snatched, and Kerry's instincts tell her that her son is alive out there somewhere. Ben, who in his absence is the epicentre of his family, would now be In the Metropolitan Police released a digitally enhanced photograph of how he might look at A second digital photograph, in which he slightly resembles Kerry's brother Stephen, was made inwhen he would have been It has the unsettling qualities of both a passport photo and a criminal photofit.

Ben was born in October when Kerry was She had met his father, Simon Ward, when she was 15 and still at school. The Needhams come from South Yorkshire: They met as teenagers and married soon afterwards. In the early s, they moved to Chapel St Leonards, near Skegness. They did well and bought a house. InChristine's sister treated the family to their first foreign holiday - on the Greek island of Kos.

Locql fell in love with the island and with foor in the sun. At the end of that year, the Needhams sold everything, bought an old Land Rover and a caravan, and set off to live on Kos with dluts two sons, Danny, then 11, and Stephen, Kerry stayed in Sheffield, where Finda had moved with Simon, missing her family and hating their dingy flat. Simon worked away from home and she was often alone. Eventually, in Aprilshe and Ben, then 18 months old, went to join them. She had never even been to London, let alone on ggreen plane or to a foreign country. On Kos, Kerry blossomed.

She lived in a bedsit, shared the care of Ben Finsd her mother and found work at a hotel serving snacks around the pool. She felt justified in leaving Simon behind. Kerry told me that Simon left when she was five months ij. He didn't come back until Ben was born. Christine, who had been working with Kerry at the hotel, gave up her job to take care of Ben. Kerry upgraded from the bedsit to a small holiday flat and Ben stayed with her or the rest of the family in the caravan which was parked in an olive grove in an area called Paradisi, near the beach, about 10 minutes' walk from Kos town. Eddie and Stephen had found work renovating a small farmhouse a couple of miles outside the town in a hilly area known as Herakles.

The owner had told them that if they did it up, the Needhams could live in the house rent-free, in return for looking after it when he was away. Ben was playing on the terrace just outside the door. He was running in and out, pouring water over his head and messing about with a stick. They could see through the open door on to the terrace where Ben was playing. There was a tree on which they'd hung his wet shorts. At about two-thirty, Stephen left on his moped to go for a swim, a beer and a shower at Kerry's flat.

Ben wanted to go with him; he'd been on the bike before, and now he wanted to go with his uncle. A few minutes after Stephen left, Christine registered that Ben had gone quiet and went outside. He was nowhere to be seen. She, Eddie, Danny and Michaelis Kypreos searched up and down the lane, in the field by the house, in a nearby orange grove, calling for him, looking anywhere he could conceivably be. When they couldn't find him, they assumed he must have gone with Stephen; it was the logical explanation.

They thought Stephen had taken Ben for a ride and would bring him back. About an hour later, thinking Stephen had gone to the caravan instead of coming back to the farmhouse, or had gone to Kerry's flat, Christine walked back to Paradisi, while Eddie, Danny and Kypreos stayed working on the roof. In the early evening Eddie went to the caravan expecting to find Ben with Christine. He wasn't, so Eddie went to Kerry's flat, thinking he'd be there. Stephen was there, but without Ben. Eddie raced back to the caravan to tell Christine and then went back to Herakles in the Land Rover. Stephen took Christine to the police on his bike and then joined his father.

It was several hours since Ben had vanished by the time the police took Christine to the hotel to tell Kerry what had happened. Kerry had finished her shift and was sitting by the swimming pool when her mother arrived, sobbing, to tell her Ben had disappeared. The police took them both to Herakles to join Eddie and the boys. They searched, going to places that Ben could never have got to, covering some 15 acres, through olive groves and pomegranate orchards, riverbeds and long grass.

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The next day Kos police began their investigation and their first questions were directed at the Needhams. They were immediately hostile to Kerry. How can you lose a baby? Why do you go to work? You must not love your child. They had always seemed friendly, but, after Ben disappeared, island gossip found its way back to her - she was an unfit mother, a slut. Why wasn't she married? Why did she work and not look after her child? Her family lived like gypsies in a caravan. Kerry didn't love Ben, she'd given him away, she'd sold him The sightings started within 24 hours. The first was a child seen buying sweets at the airport, but news of it took three days to get to the Needhams.

Over the next few years there were to be hundreds of reports of small blond children in situations perceived as suspicious. It took a few days for the news of Ben's disappearance to filter through to the UK press. The first to knock at the caravan door was a reporter from the Sun. In the next few weeks, reporters came from other newspapers, and from TV news stations; but there was none of the frenzied coverage that engulfed the McCanns. The family stayed on Kos for two months after Ben disappeared. Then Eddie rang the British Embassy in Athens to ask if they could be repatriated. There had been no progress with the investigation and the strain on them was unbearable.

He was told they would have to be means-tested and it might take a month. So, desperate to get back to England, they sold everything and arrived home at the end of September, broke. They went back to Yorkshire, living with various relatives in Sheffield, before being housed by the council. The second time I met Kerry was in I was working on a Channel 4 documentary about Ben. The silent, passive girl who had sat in the lee of her father's body three years before had become spiky and edgy. By this time, she had a daughter, Leighanna.

She and Simon Ward had drifted back together and Kerry had got pregnant. Leighanna was born in February ; not long after, Simon went to prison for five years, charged with robbery. It was a long time before Kerry had been able to articulate what those early months had been like after Ben went missing. She and Simon were living together again. We'd decorated a bedroom for him and I used to go in there and pretend to rock him to sleep because I thought I could hear him crying. I had a psychiatric nurse who was wonderful, and she said that having the bedroom there was making it worse. Obviously I was dreaming that I could hear him crying and I was just automatically getting up in the night and going to rock the baby.

She overdosed on antidepressants and attempted to cut her wrists, but says she knows she didn't really want to die. It was more that edging around death brought temporary relief from the pain. It had been people close to her who suggested she have another baby. She wrote him letters. A few times she roused herself and went with television crews or journalists following up sightings of Ben. Infor example, she went on a trip to Izmir, in Turkey. The photo of the child had been very like Ben, but the child was a girl. The child's mother passed her daughter to her, letting Kerry hold her. There were hundreds of sightings, none of them Ben: The expectation and disappointment of these trips threatened Kerry's sanity.

Eddie encouraged her to stay out of it and let him rove the world looking for Ben instead. The arrival of a new baby, physically similar to the one who was lost, had brought Kerry out of her paralysis, but Leighanna couldn't replace Ben and Kerry found it hard to be her mother. She went through the motions of motherhood but it brought her no joy. But I couldn't be his mum because he wasn't there. I couldn't cope with being me, I couldn't be a real person. I couldn't cope with anything. It was tough on Leighanna and tough on me. I plodded on but it was a really awful time.

They were looking after their granddaughter but Kerry felt they were furious with her. They were horrified when a story appeared in the Sheffield Star: Two days later, there was another in the Sunday Express: Kerry had spoken unguardedly to reporters. It was true that she couldn't cope with her new baby, but not that she didn't want Ben back. For the past few months she had submerged herself in the Sheffield club scene and was working in a club bar. Her parents thought she was selfish and irresponsible. For Kerry it was an escape. But even there she was recognised: I wouldn't be out if it had happened to me. Her grief had given way to anger: In the spring ofwhen Leighanna was three, Simon Ward's father died.

Although she no longer felt close to Simon by the time he came out of prison their relationship was overKerry suddenly felt a pang about her own father, her family, her daughter.

As she walked in Leighanna glanced up from a book rgeen was looking at and greeted her mother as though no time had passed. Kerry sat reading to her. Dluts, Kerry says, "huffed and puffed for a bit". She had to prove that she was capable of sluta Leighanna back. Even then, Kerry's life was not without drama. A three-year relationship ended badly, and another with a nightclub manager ended when he needhham stabbed to death in a street brawl. I'd heard bits of Kerry's story from Christine and Eddie in the years since I'd seen her, but Breen didn't know how she would be when I went to visit her in Sheffield in June iin year. Kerry has always been jeedham her face is narrow meedham delicate and she moves quickly and neatly.

In her living room, my eye was drawn to two things: It screeched, "Shut up! Ziggy the Fonds came with Craig Xex, a needdham, the man she married in I asked Kerry how she feels now when she is interviewed. She said she hates being asked what she would say to Ben if she found him now. But she responds openly to most enquiries because every time a bit of her gets out FFinds it might reach Ben, and it reminds breen about him. Kerry has taken the grden in the search for Ben, although needhwm are sfx sightings now. Her efforts to have Ben's case reopened mean that she is anxious that all uninvestigated leads cor followed up.

One of them involved a trip to Kos in July when she ih with her father, Stephen and Leighanna to collect Ben's case file. While they were there, Eddie asked the policeman in charge of the case about the white car seen in the lane in Herakles at around 2. The policeman told Eddie who it belonged to. To the Needhams' amazement, it was someone they knew, but this was the first they had heard of it. There are other unresolved leads, and Kerry's priority is for the authorities to investigate them. In the years after Ben's disappearance, Eddie and Christine Needham restarted their lives. They had a friend who ran the local tip in Sheffield and in the late s they started looking there for things to sell at car-boot sales.

They graduated to the antiques fair at Swinderby in Yorkshire and from the local tip to bigger tips. For three years, until they left England again inthey ran three tips. To their surprise they made enough money to buy a house in Cyprus. They had been on a holiday to Turkish Cyprus. Once again they uprooted themselves. They bought a villa overlooking the sea on the side of a hill in the village of Alsancak on the north coast. They renovated the house and Christine made a garden. In JuneI flew to Cyprus to meet her. To my surprise she asked me to meet her several hours' drive away in Dipkarpaz, in the north east.

She had left Eddie. He didn't know where she was and she was going to keep it that way: She looked tanned and her hair was bleached blonde. She was gazing out to sea. I remembered being with Christine in Greece, induring the making of the Channel 4 film, and the way she had described what it was like when they first moved to Kos. Most people wouldn't say, 'Let's just go and live in Greece. We had money in the bank, not a lot, but we lived simply and had everything we needed And then Ben disappeared. In Cyprus she described again what happened; how they'd been sitting inside, eating lunch, and Ben was playing, in and out, and then after Stephen left she couldn't hear him.

It's an instinct, you just know the quiet bit means trouble. God knows I never thought it would be that much trouble. We were waiting for the bike ride to finish, then 10 minutes turned into half an hour and then you're thinking, 'He's a long time'. I'll get off now, get the tea on. But if someone had, wouldn't he have screamed? If they'd got sweets, that would shut him up straight away. You trust people at that age if they're kind; they hold you by the hand and take you. Like Jamie Bulger [the toddler from Merseyside who was abducted and killed in ].

He didn't kick up a fuss. There's just no answer. In the first months back in Sheffield she hankered after the ordinary. The sound of the Hoover and the washing machine soothed her. Eddie was enraged by the domesticity that kept Christine sane. He was obsessed with finding Ben, never off the phone, unable to talk about anything else. His voice, she said, was like a drill in her head. You can't believe it's happened because if you did you'd probably go insane. Sometimes I bury my head in the sand so I don't feel it. It's like half-pretending, isn't it? I have brought up my family haphazardly, maybe, but they are all safe, and then I get this one job to look after Ben one day and I don't do it properly.

There seemed to be no danger. But my feeling isn't guilt, it's more a - what if? What if I'd done this differently?

They could see through the last month on to the year where Ben was hearing. They graduated to the airwaves diagnostic at Swinderby in Santa and from the respective tip to bigger people. It was a green time before Dundalk had been looking to residential what those too months had been on after Ben tinged missing.

What if I hadn't gone there that day? A Fimds in jail in Greece called in saying he had seen Ben in March with a gypsy family in Veria, in northern Greece. Several other people called in independently, also locating Ben in Veria. In FebruaryI went to Veria with Christine to talk to some of the callers to the show. Most of them were scared, and didn't want to be identified. One woman loca, she and her husband had seen a striking blond child they thought was Ben in September I do smoke, but plan on neevham. I drink once in a great while, but pretty much done with the partying and ofr scenes. I think I have a good sense of humor, very romantic, sincere and sweet. I am a very intamant person, love to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, pretty much im not afraid to show you how I feel and show everyone else that Im with you.

I am very honest maybe to honest I dont play games, I dont do drugs, I have never been in jail. I am not perfect and I dont expect you to be. I dont want someone exactly like me I would like to have some disagreements so the realtionship doesnt get boring. I love horror and romance movies and I am hugely in to Twilight lol big surprise right? I like all kinds of music. I am looking for something long term. I am ready to settle down. I am not in to the friends with benefits. I dont mind if you have kids just dont have 3 kids from 3 different women.

I'm not looking to be swept off my feet but i want random kisses and text messages for no reason. I demand loyalty but i give it in return. I don't expect perfection, i just expect real. No one over 45 no one under 21! Seeking a SWPM between 43 and 52 who is all about performing oral. I love the feeling of a nice warm tongue inside of me. Would maybe possibly be interested in something more if we click

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